Sometimes Sundays make me sad...

Today is one of the most beautiful days I have experienced in a long time...but I am sad. I've had a good day - I'm in the middle of a painting....and then this song came on the radio and knocked the wind out of me.

....you are the love of my life...you are my inspiration...just you and me...simple and free....

Nope - none of it applies to me...not anymore.....

I sat and wondered about all of this. My son Andrew was my chief inspiration. After he was conceived everything I did was measured by how it pertained to him. Yes, everything, even the wrong choices.

And now.... for the last four years I have had pseudo motivation. Its almost like feeling inspired by something now is an act of betrayal. Oh I know, that's silly and I know Andrew would be the first to tell me so but...

So many people have come and gone - and sometimes I get very sad. The song on the radio took me back - way back - to those I knew before there was an Andrew and you know what? Their all gone too..even me.

I'm lonesome for the family members who used to call my name. I'm lonesome for the friends who used to make me laugh. I'm lonesome for the lovers who used to make me sigh. I'm lonesome for the husband who knew me when I was younger. I'm lonesome for a place where I was in fact younger. I'm lonesome for a part of me that will never be again. Most especially I'm lonesome for that voice that started every sentence with "Hey Mom"....

And that's why this perfect day seems to hurt like a ill fitting pair of jeans...because it doesn't fit anymore...not the way it used to...

This Sunday doesn't fit.