A letter to myself

November 5th, 2008

Today, 203 days after I died I woke up to a new world. How is this going to be my new world I asked?
I have squandered the last 203 days. I spent so much time trying to recover physically, and then trying to recover financially that I neglected to give full attention to what life is telling me.
How obvious are the messages? I was unaware of just how much my identity had depended on my son. His death has drawn the spotlight on how void of purpose my life is. So much loss and illness have been woven into the last 24 months that any fool could see what its saying.
It’s saying that life here is so short and time is promised to no one.
It’s saying that you can work as hard as your can and will still leave things undone in the end.
It’s saying that no matter what you are intent upon you will be called away without notice, without consultation or consideration.
It’s saying my legacy is my own responsibility.
My son left us in the prime of his life. The unfairness of the fact that he was experiencing success and health for the first time in his adult life is life’s way of telling me that success on this earth means nothing to my creator.
My own death was so subtle that that it frightens me how easy it was. I was laughing and talking and then in the blink of an eye I was gone. And you know what? I didn’t care. There was no fight to survive due to the fact that my death was not a function I was able to impact. The best way to describe my experience is to say that death is not of this world, its something totally removed from my human intelligence. It was the ultimate demonstration of my lack of power to control anything.
I am very well aware that my time is limited, more aware than most. I know that what is done on earth for the most part will be burned up like hay and stubble. I also know what it takes to have gold that passes through the fire but this isn’t about that.
The world outside me is changing and I am frozen in time. Struggling to return to my desk a full forty hours a week in order to meet obligations that neither feed my soul nor have an end in sight. The mundaneness (is this a real word?) of traditional existence is too horrible to accept. Knowing fully well that I am meant for so much more and that I will be the saddest person that ever lived if I die “employed”. I don’t mind if I die working but not employed, there’s a difference.
So how do I switch roads on my journey to my final designation? Where is the exit ramp to that road less traveled? Can I take that detour if I have a passenger? Do I have the right to make the left turn and cross the median? Do I pose a bigger threat if I stay here on the freeway and end up stalling or running out of gas? These questions are ever present these days.
So what direction is that “Road less traveled” headed? For me its got the following destinations. I want to:
1. Paint
2. Write
3. Create
4. Teach
5. Be in the company of worthwhile minds

It’s that simple and that complex. I suppose the first step is to make a plan. This is my weak point. My lack of discipline is a thing to be ashamed of. How does one develop discipline? I have no discipline to develop discipline.
But here’s what I think. As backwards as this may sound, I think I need to build confidence in my ability to develop discipline. The only way I can think of to do this is to set small (read: tiny- miniscule) goals and try my hardest to meet them. Maybe a small goal of two small painting per week? Maybe a goal of three edited pages per week from that book of 80,000 plus words that I finished almost three years ago but never got around to editing? Maybe three pages of writing on the second book I have completely outlined and the first chapter finished on. Maybe a piece of beaded jewelry each week? Maybe less time blogging and more time working (no, say it isn’t so).
I will take this approach first and see if I begin to sense movement in my journey. I’ll stop merging. I’ll start actively looking for an opening in the passing lane. Hell, I’ll use my turn signal to let the world know I’m getting ready to go in a different direction – ready or not.